Swirl: 3 Things Black Women Should Know When Approaching Interracial Dating

Get ahead | Succeed | Career | Love

All about the swirl, baby!

night scarfI’m sure glad I slept on this post

As the more I slept on it, the more…

I remembered the GOOD black men in BCG‘s community

good-black-man

My brother and my Dad

That’s quite a lot of decent guys

So I can hardly make sweeping statements as not all black men fall into the same category, in any case the past few months have been particularly sensitive as investigators get to the bottom of the Ferguson case.

But today I feel it’s time to address interracial relationships and the dire state of black relationships at large.

When anyone brings up black/white interracial marriages, most people think of those involving black men and white women, but what about the other half?

What about marriages involving black women and white men?

Pew research in the US, established that interracial marriages generally have higher divorce rates, than those who marry within their own race, which seems plausible as different cultures and assumptions can stand in the way.

According to the most recent data on the matter, 2008 figures show that the pairing of white females and asian males are most vulnerable to divorce. Conversely, black women and white men are most likely to stick by their vows.

The probability of divorce by the 10th year of marriage, relative to interracial unions (in comparison to same-race white couples) are as follows:

  • White wife & asian husband – 59 percent more likely to divorce
  • White wife & black husband – 50 percent more likely to divorce
  • Asian wife & white husband – 4 percent more likely to divorce
  • Black wife & white husband – 44 percent less likely to divorce

After 10 years black men and white women have the second highest divorce rates

After 10 years white men and black women have the lowest divorce rates

Why would there be such a difference when genders are swapped?

A question that can be addressed in the comments perhaps…

Speaking for black women alone, the data highlights that given the right circumstances:

  • Black women are more than capable of making their spouse happy
  • Black women can be half of a healthy relationship
  • Black women are dedicated
  • Black women remain desirable to their married partners

Which shatters the idea that black women are somehow solely responsible for the breakdown of black relationships. Granted we are not paragons of virtue by any stretch of the imagination, but we shouldn’t be demonized by some of our own men.

Dear Sister, Use your opportunities wisely

The black woman’s position as the most undesirable has not prevented us from enjoying the longest relationships and lowest divorce rates of any ethnic group

Notice when people run out of stuff to say, they use the “undesirable” card

After all they can’t legitimately use the self hate argument anymore, even if our hair isn’t the same texture as Brazilian hair.

In 2014 all races wear weave, have big booty, tiny waists and large hips.

And no-one’s calling the “self hate” card in reference to the sudden rise of big booty.

Have I been ignored by black men because I was too dark or reminded that they don’t usually date a woman of my complexion?

Yes

I have been rejected by black men for the simple reason that I’m the wrong shade of brown (according to the brown paper bag test). Would they admit that? Probably not.

Truth be told, most of the guys I’ve mentioned on this blog indicated that, they had a “thing” for dark skin women. Besides that, the majority of men I’ve dated tend to be fair in complexion.

Correct me if I’m wrong but there seems to an unspoken rule in the black community, that the darker a man is, the fairer the woman he dates and vice versa. Now there maybe exceptions but here’s the good news…

Sometimes being overlooked by the opposite sex is a blessing in disguise

First let me give you a few examples…

The dark skinned Nigerian army sergeant from Victoria Island, who stated categorically on our first date, that most of his friends only date and marry light skin women, implying even when they find women of other hues and races attractive, for appearance sake they mainly procreate with a small pool of women.

On another occasion I met a banker in New York, who was everything I thought I wanted in one guy, oh my goodness, handsome, good with numbers, charming, down to Earth, impeccably dressed, with chocolate skin, we went on several dates and seemingly got on well, we spoke and messaged over a few months, often until the early hours of the morning, he promised more dates, and blah, blah, blah.

Until one day it suddenly dawned on me

dark skinHe may have liked me as a person, but he wasn’t comfortable with my dark skin

Yeah I said it, he wasn’t comfortable with my dark skin.

You may call me paranoid, and say he was probably dating other women, which he was, but that was my gut feeling, and after checking him out, and telling Vivien, sure enough several months later, he began parading around a fair skin counterpart. Are they still together? Nope.

C’mon I’m not bitter…

With black couples suffering from a marked decline in London, and the constant echo from various male sources online that black women are “not marriageable”, “lack class”, “have too much baggage” and the list goes on…

I’m sharing these examples for anyone who has been through similar experiences, and blamed themselves or felt inadequate – honey you’re not alone, I felt inadequate too. To be honest, I used to sit and ask myself why I wasn’t good enough, until one day I decided to:

Stop validating myself though the eyes of men who do not even love themselves

Let me tell you if I had waited on a man or even a woman to validate me, to say I was beautiful, talented, or anything else, I would not have started BCG. I would still be waiting…patiently. 

I’m willing to bet Naomi Campbell arguably the most beautiful, all around (face + body) dark skin supermodel of the past 50 years, has experienced the exact same thing. Therefore this type of discrimination has nothing to do with how beautiful or talented you are.

A guy’s dating choices have a lot to do with his environment

And don’t always reflect who he’s naturally attracted to due to:

  • Peer pressure
  • Media influence
  • Family expectations
  • Following popular culture
  • His ego

These factors aren’t restricted to black men, they affect men from all cultures. If he’s able to withstand outside influence, stick to his internal compass and go for women he naturally desires, he is more likely to find a partner who fits in with his lifestyle, and supports his dreams and ambitions. In turn, his relationships are bound to last longer.

Unfortunately men that can stand up for what they truly want are very rare nowadays

And this maybe one of the many reasons why divorce rates are so high, as men continue to follow the crowd and chase women who look hot, and women who will get them approval quickly from the outside world, instead of listening to their inborn and innate desires and needs, (which they all have btw) click here if you missed that.

On top of that, just because he marries someone with a popular look, doesn’t mean he won’t secretly find your looks more sexually desirable, which means he is essentially trapped in a marriage for appearance sake, as mentioned above.

The more insecure a man is, the more outside factors (listed above) will have an overriding influence on the type of women he dates.

 Confident men stick to their natural desires, have a better chance at enjoying long and successful relationships, and are less likely to divorce because they pick better mates – perhaps not hotter mates – but better mates to suit them.

Now you can understand why I greatly appreciate and respect men who think for themselves and refuse to do anything other than listen to what they naturally desire. << Thisssss!!!! Is part of real manhood.

couple

Confident men acknowledge that a trophy wife may look stunning on their arm, but won’t necessarily make them happy behind closed doors

Indeed men from my father’s generation 70+ can attest to the fact they fell for the trappings of a trophy wife, only to grow to loathe them over time when they realized their personalities clashed.

Now I’m not suggesting personality is always dependant on beauty but what I’m saying is you cannot get everything in one woman; and I guess this wisdom isn’t passed down, as many men still marry for looks and approval, instead of having the courage to stand strong, and marry their best fit, irrespective of complexion or race.

In an ideal world dark skin and light skin women would have the same perks as we’re all black (to some degree), but let’s face it light skin women have always enjoyed an advantage, even by society’s standards, and to deny that is like trying to ignore the elephant in the room.

The complexion hierarchy affects millions of women across the globe, and a few words aren’t enough to heal the deep wounds

Should we hate on light skin women and blame them for being born that way? Absolutely not.

My mother is extremely fair and my father is dark so I have always embraced both sides of the coin, and my carefree nature is reflected in my friendships and my exes.

But to say dark skin women shouldn’t have issues and should “just get over it”  when we have endured years and years of feeling inferior in society, after being dishonored and discounted by our own race, and society is dismissive.

We can either be victims or acknowledge the status quo, and create our own reality

We cannot deprogram how the world feels about dark skin, we can only give ourselves enough self love and work with what we have. Rather than doing anything too drastic to ruin the quality of your skin look after it.

Relations between black men and black women of all shades are fraught, with both genders choosing to increasingly date outside of their race (esp in the city) for multiple reasons which are too vast to list here.

Thus, the best way to find a good man in this dating climate is to stay true to yourself, complexion and all, as other races love dark skin – if you’ve noticed, and remain open minded in love. Remember that:

Men are men. But rest assured when black women date outside of their race, they have a high success rate, even though they start off at a disadvantage. Therefore it’s only a matter of packaging ourselves correctly, and being in the right place at the right time, to attract the type of men we desire.

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Comments

  1. Great post!

  2. Nice read, really enlightening.

    Being a caucasian male, reading this article gave me some hope that maybe one day I might be able to attract and have a long lasting relationship with a black woman. As I have said before in another article, I was raised by my parents to love whoever I want despite color, creed, religion, ect. As a result of this upbringing, I find myself attracted to many types of women, with black and asian women at the top of the list. I must admit that I have never been in a relationship with a black woman and that being with a black woman is merely a fantasy at the moment but this article gave me a little more hope that my fantasy could be a reality one day. Reading this article gave me some food-for-thought and some things to think about. I thought about whether or not I had any insecurities. I don’t believe I do but I cannot be certain. Peer pressure has never been a problem for me, if you don’t like who I choose to be with, then I don’t need you in my life. The media has little to no influence over me, and my family is accepting of where my attractions lay, in fact my mother tried to set me up with a black woman a little while ago but that is a story for another time. But when I get right down to the core of it all, I just want a woman who will love me for me, a woman who will accept my faults and embrace my strengths, a woman that I will do the same for and more.

    My apologies for leaving a long comment.

    • Thanks for supporting us and visiting this blog! I remember your comment on a previous post. After reading through your feedback today, I can’t fault you on your points. Your analysis is so thoughtful, and there are other women who visit this blog who will feel the same way.

      • Reading this blog and others helps me keep grounded in reality. It has taught me several things about interracial dating that I wouldn’t have expected. This article just made me do a lot of thinking today and I felt the urge to share my thoughts.

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