I say “legitimate” as some of us are guilty of remaining in basic relationships for reasons we legitimize in our mind even after our intuition tells us otherwise. Let’s cut to the chase and look at 3 reasons why women stay in relationships with the wrong guy:
1. Chemistry and Common interests
If you asked me what the most important qualities were in a relationship prior to BCG I would have said something along the lines of: chemistry and common interests. To be honest, sizzling chemistry was one of the first things I looked for in a man, I had to find them insanely attractive and sharing common interests was the bonus I needed to convince myself he was special.
Albeit over time, I started to see that my preoccupation with physical attraction was holding me back, as I remained in toxic dating patterns long after a man had repeatedly shown me that he had no intention of treating me well. If you’re in the same situation, I know how you feel, I’ve been there, here’s what I’ve learned:
Chemistry will not sustain a relationship over a lifetime
Think about the majority of men whom you’ve been magnetically drawn to, or those with whom you had a lot in common with…
Where are they now?
The fact you both like to listen to the same artists or both go to poetry slams does not necessarily mean your relationship will run the full course, in the same way, the fact two people have incredible passion and excitement for each other does not automatically result in a happy ending.
We can get so caught up by the physical or how good the relationship looks on paper that we ignore the parts which are making us unhappy.
Now I’m not saying we should disregard chemistry and common interests altogether, indeed they’ll get a relationship started but perhaps we should give them priority after qualities like trust, compromise, communication, selflessness, which are some of the vital ingredients to a long lasting and loving relationship.
2. Investment and Wishful Thinking
When we have invested years in a relationship it’s understandably hard to let go. Even when a woman dates a guy for a couple of months, and starts sleeping with him, deep down she hopes he’ll commit. If he turns around and texts once a week and makes no mention of exclusivity, you can be sure that she won’t be 100% about the situation.
But she’ll probably stay
Here’s why: because she has already invested emotional capital, and is likely dreading the thought of putting herself out on the market again, re uploading her dating profile, going out on the town as a single gal, to find another man, nope! She’d rather wait and see if the guy she’s dating will change.
The problem is this guy is not your boyfriend
Essentially he’s getting his needs met and you’re not.
What if a couple of months extends to 1 year
Seeing the same guy who doesn’t claim you as a girlfriend although you’re dating exclusively, who only tells you he loves you when you ask (if at all) and doesn’t talk about a future. And though you have sufficient fun when you’re together, he doesn’t make you feel secure about how he feels which makes you anxious when you’re apart.
Fast forward 3 years
You’ve convinced him to move in with you, yet every time you bring up the subject of commitment, he’s openly questioning whether he ever wants to get married and refuses to put a title on things.
So you live together, you may have a child together, you’ve given 3 years of emotional capital, you’ve invested 3 years of your life meaning you’re 3 years older, are you really going to give it all up and start afresh? Probably not.
See the danger of holding on to the wrong guy after the first few months? We can waste years, literally years with the wrong guy, in the hope he’ll wake up one day and see sense, plotting different ways to motivate him to change…well the bad news is, he’s not going to change.
Don’t get stuck trying to rekindle what you had in the first few weeks for the next 3 years
- Does he call you?
- Do nice things?
- Take time out of his day to listen to you?
- Communicate how he feels?
- Intergrate you with his friends and family?
If he’s not doing those things, guess what, that’s your boyfriend, that’s the guy who has not been making you a priority for the past who knows what.
I know you’re secretly hoping he’ll go back to the way he used to be, unfortunately once his mask has slipped and he’s revealed his true colors, he won’t revert back to being charming.
If your relationship isn’t making you happy it doesn’t matter whether you’ve put in 3 months or 3 years: you can always leave and start afresh.
3. Scarcity and Settling
When you’re afraid that you won’t find anyone better or you’re deeply in love with someone you’ll find it hard to let go. Mind you, those feelings are completely human and are borne out of fear – fear of the unknown. The idea that there is only one guy on earth like the one you know now is categorically not true.
Meeting another man who is equal to, or better than the one you’re settling for today isn’t out of the question. You may not meet him overnight and you will have to go through a season of being single but one day, you’ll look back and be so thankful you traded “good” for “great”. I guarantee when you find Mr Right, you’ll wonder why you held onto Mr Wrong for so long.
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Many thanks! Yvonne.
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