Relationships: 5 Important Questions to Ask Him Before You Commit

black-love-old

We date who we are

We choose partners who connect to the deepest part of ourselves

Moving on from heartbreak is one of most difficult tasks because relationships are like mirrors allowing us to see who we really are.

What we find in the other person being mirrored back to us is our own beliefs about who we think we are and what we think we’re worth.

The other person validates what we subconsciously believe to be true about ourselves.

Maybe you didn’t plan for negative things to happen in your last relationship yet you allowed them. Not consciously but on a subconscious level. Your pain is proof that you still have some healing to do from what that relationship revealed about you.

Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily set them free. It sets you free

Forgiveness is ultimate proof of self-love. So why not free yourself today by forgiving those who’ve hurt you? You do this by reflecting on what the other person revealed about you. And vowing to make changes that

It’s the best move you could ever make! Once your heart and mind are free, you’ll welcome the good and the healthy into your existence and bring prosperous relationships into your world…

Do I want to marry well? Yes

I’ll admit that I put emphasis on the wrong things in the past

Let’s be frank, I’ve dedicated a sizeable portion of my life to writing about ‘Great Guys’ and my sister will tell ya…I’m a sucker for brains, good looks in a good suit.

Marriage isn’t for everyone

I’ve met my fair share of men who looked great on paper but where did that get me? Yes some of those relationships didn’t work because I was too immature and thought the grass was greener.

I’m not saying I could deal with an ugly, stupid man. Though it’s safe to say my priorities have changed and I’m really trying to get past looks and possessions, to begin to date with my heart.

The question is what will I be looking for when I enter the dating pool again? Not what you expect

1. Does he respect women?

He can blame other women until the cows come home that still doesn’t condone disrespectful behavior towards his own mother, his baby mother, the waitress in the diner – I really don’t care, if he’s dismissive to any woman on more than one occasion – forget it. The probability of him dishing out the same attitude towards me at a later date is too high when the writing is on the wall.

2. Does he watch porn?

I have zero tolerance for porn. Life would be bliss if I could meet a man who doesn’t watch it although, I maybe alone on this one as females indulge too. I have come across tons of guys who are knee deep in their porn flicks and are unapologetic about it. I’m not excusing this behavior I’m just being realistic. We cannot afford to side step the issue. It’s an addiction men increasingly have and it’s something I will address early on.

The glaring problem is that porn breaks up homes. The side effects are vast (perversion, unrealistic expectations, lack of real intimacy, impotence) and if I’m not emotionally involved with him then why should I take on the baggage?

3. Does he lead a disciplined lifestyle?

I bet you know of at least one boy guy who drops thousands on a table in a club and buys the best champagne, yet holds no tangible assets to his name. If he’s spending more money on pleasure than he is investing in his future, then he’s as good as broke in my book. In the end his irresponsibility will become your liability.

Does he have a job? Does he have a routine in his life? Does he keep his promises? Does he have a faith? His level of discipline in every area of his life will affect your well being and be the determining factor to make or break your happiness…trust me. When he lacks discipline in his daily life and fails to maintain his commitments – don’t be surprised if he cheats on you sexually or financially. Because undisciplined men are not upfront they’re sneaky!

4. Does he have STDs and kids?

Has he been screened for STDs in the past 6 months? The way some of these dudes are carrying on they need to be screened once a week! Others have a lousy way of blaming the whole world for STDs when they are the biggest culprits, carrying the nastiest diseases themselves…beware. 

Keep in perspective that nobody is perfect. My sister and I have spoken about this at length and we agree that everyone has a past – including me, most people have baggage and when they have kids, they don’t deserve to be persecuted straightaway – unless they’re baby-making machines – each case is different.

Plenty of single moms and dads find love because they are responsible human beings. They know how to look after a family and they usually have experience in running a household. Say he ticks all my boxes and he has kids, I will watch to see whether he provides for them and scrutinize his relationship with the mother of his children to gage whether he can be the leader I’m looking for.

5. Is he kind?

When it comes down to the wire, I’m looking for someone who is kind, someone who is willing to be as self-sacrificing as I’am in a relationship. I don’t want to be stuck in a situation where I give 100% and get jack squat in return. At this stage of my life I’m not really fussed about extravagant gifts and holidays.

However his ability to extend kindness in the beginning, will be paramount in my decision making, because I work around the clock and barely have time for myself let alone dating for dating sake, so if he is showing signs of narcissism full of himself and doesn’t:

  • Listen
  • Find out who I’am
  • Respect my boundaries
  • Be thoughtful once in a while
  • Be honest

Forget it! Like seriously.

What are you looking for?

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Relationships: Should Black Women Date and Marry Down?

So just incase you missed it, some of our favorite black couples have split up in the past few weeks. Household names like Mary J Blige, who filed for divorce from her cheating husband and manager Kendu Isaacs, meanwhile Iyanla Vanzant quietly ended her 14 year relationship and more recently Queen of neo-soul, Jill Scott is embroiled in a public slanging match with her ex-husband of 15 … [Read More...]

Comments

  1. Thanks love food for my soul I shared this.

  2. Thanks for the love and sharing this post Sade. I applied the steps above to heal myself and wrote this post to reveal what I did to move forward. I’ve closed the last chapter and I’m finally entering a new one. 🙂

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