Anatomy of a Hater: 14 Signs You Are In a Selfish and Toxic Relationship

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A narcissist only cares about himself

He sees the world as

“Me” the great, wonderful, fabulous, amazing, irresistible man.  Against “the world” sub humans, inferior, weak, pathetic creatures.

You cannot reason with him

How do you reason with someone who twists the facts and has an aversion to the truth? They are the kings of justification. They minimize, rationalize and distort their involvement. When they have behaved badly or criminally, you can bet they’ve found a reason or a hundred that it’s entirely your fault.

Narcissists are often handsome suave and charming to the casual bystander yet evil calculating and manipulative to those who really know them

Let me share the PG version of my story...

After suspecting a guy whom I dated briefly for 5 months prior to launching BLACKCITYGIRL was harassing me online, I confronted him with my evidence in April last year, and he took his hate campaign to a whole new level

  • Hacking me up to 50 times every day for one year
  • Changing my passwords on a daily basis
  • Attempting to get police charges pressed against me

He still stalks me on every single platform I use to this day

His demented actions have proven him to be obsessive, filled with rage and jealousy. A seasoned therapist would probably say he is showing unhealthy symptoms of someone suffering from unrequited love. He checks this blog and our social media accounts more than I do even though he is a stranger in my eyes. I’m finally comfortable revealing this info because it took me a whole year to release my anger.

I’m over it

I simply don’t care about his presence anymore…even if he was to do it all again, I would just relax. There are bigger fish to fry. Besides his efforts amounted to nothing as it did not stop BCG from growing in our first year and his fixation with me has only magnified the fact that his life has spiralled backwards and out of control.

Even if he wanted to stop stalking me tomorrow he can’t

Because he has taken to monitoring my movements in such minutiae detail (subscribing to this blog, our emails, hacking my personal accounts) that it has grown into a sordid full time chore, which leads him to engage in criminal activity at unGodly hours or whenever he gets the urge. Meaning he is now literally possessed by his addiction in finding out every single detail about me…and he knows it…

He looked innocent enough

Before you start thinking I’m a bad judge of character

He introduced himself as a teacher from a respectable family (and I was a guest in their home). He was charming, well groomed, went to church, gave back to his community and had a wide circle of friends (though looking back most were his younger brother’s friends). There is no one perfect, so it wasn’t exactly a deal breaker when he mentioned that he lived at home with his parents. in his late twenties

Narcissists possess a supernatural ability to establish an instant rapport with nearly anyone

He lavished me with attention and dedicated 5 hours a day to telling me how great he was, along side boasting his aspirations to become President of his home country one day. He tried to impress me by booking tables at the best restaurants. He would send me a dozen texts each morning which were reciprocated in kind (though I was unknowingly feeding him with a narcissistic supply). He handed me thoughtful gifts, declaring he wanted to marry me within a few weeks. And guess what…I fell for his act…hook-line-and-sinker.

He would say whatever I wanted to hear

Telling giant fibs about reading classic books – books he probably Googled before each call. He even joined a gym in attempt to create a deeper connection.

Although this guy dated me for 5 months of his life…incredibly 2 years on…I’ am still the most important person in his life. You see I have become his punching bag whenever he feels anger, disappointment or a low self esteem.

Narcissists are mentally unstable and have poor impulse control. Your number one job is to protect yourself

His obsession has taken him as far as setting up his own blog with a Facebook fan page and Twitter account, just to compete with me when by his own admission he is a poor writer. Upon hearing that I was upgrading this blog last year, he immediately spent a fortune upgrading his own blog. Unsurprisingly he hasn’t written a post in half a year probably because he couldn’t allow for anything to interfere with his pet project…stalking me.

The reason the situation ended abruptly

Click here if you missed that is because he posted, ‘I wish you were dead’ on Facebook while we were dating, after I refused to contact him for a week because he was befriending random hoes “models” on social media. When we did eventually speak, I asked him about the comment above and he flew off the handle into a serious rage and stated he’d actually written it about his mom.

Yeah right

I can't lie at the time I felt like Bey in the elevator

As it was the first (and last) encounter I will ever have with a man popping off like that. Following much confusion and tears my sister/mentor Vivien Rose (who understands abusive men better than I do) advised me to walk away.

Having suffered an onslaught of harassment from a narcissist for the past 15 months let me share a few tips:

Narcissists are deeply wounded in their childhood

When a child is abused or when he experiences some kind of a trauma his mind tries to find out a method to help him forget about his wounds. To prevent this abuse from happening again and as a method of defense, narcissism is developed.

Feeling that he is weak, insecure and vulnerable he escapes to a new identity. An identity of a superior person who can’t be harmed. This is the story of most narcissists, a deep sense of inferiority that is masked by a solid shell.

14 Things You May Not Know About a Narcissist

  1. Is grandiose in evaluation of self without demonstrating superior achievements
  2. Concentrates on fantasies of great success, influence, intelligence, beauty or perfect love
  3. Believes in his own “specialness” and expects to associate with high prestige people or institutions
  4. Demands to be overly admired
  5. Feels entitled to special treatment and to have their demands met
  6. Exploits others to achieve his own ends
  7. Lacks empathy for others
  8. Is frequently envious of others or assumes others are envious of him
  9. Is arrogant in attitude and behavior

10. They are angry people

Anger is their default setting. Any little thing can trigger an outburst. The ifs and whens are not consistent, so you never know when it’s coming, or the level he will take it to. He is a projector and likes to pass off his feelings onto others. Anger is commonly used as a manipulation tactic or as a control mechanism to keep everybody around him, including his elders in line.

11. They lack empathy or conscience

Narcissists will adopt your beliefs and values to trick you into believing you have found your soul mate plus compliment you excessively in the beginning, with the explicit intent of extracting more compliments from you at a later date (their narcissistic supply). They will often watch you on social media to observe everything about you so that they can get into your psychology and mimic you.

Any time a narcissist can confirm to you and himself that he’s smarter and more superior, he will feel a sense of delight. Do not expect concern or compassion, when a narcissist is inflicting his brand of torture expect him to feel pleasure while he twists the knife.

12. They dream of being famous

Narcissists care more about how the outside world perceives see them, than anything else. The narcissist always talks about how brilliant he is compared to others. His mind is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, superiority, ultimate achievements, tremendous strength and everlasting fame and power.

13. They hate criticism

Pointing out his flaws and what he’s done wrong may cause him to fly into a rage. Don’t bother trying to explain yourself in order to prove a point or gain closure, it’s not worth it because his hugely inflated ego will drive him do whatever it takes to destroy you when you threaten to dump or humiliate him, especially when he believes you will blow his cover and expose him as a sham. For narcissists being fully exposed to the world is the greatest pain in their lives.

Yet it is also the best medicine to their disease because it forces them to look inside and deal with their pain and wounds

14. They will spy on you to gain control

When a narcissist has found a new target he is a man obsessed. He can’t get enough of it. He wants to know everything about it. He becomes consumed, thinking about it night and day, working himself into a fevered pitch. It isn’t too far fetched to suspect that he may download or buy software to monitor you even if it means breaking the law…to get closer to you and placate his jealousy.

When you believe someone is a narcissist walk away

Don’t get stuck on anger and resentment thinking about revenge as those negative emotions will take a toll on you. For one, they will slow down your healing process and keep you fixated on the situation and stuck on pain. When you are so wrapped up in anger, it makes you paranoid and jaded. Don’t let him change who you are and turn you into an angry bitter woman.

Remember while you may think you got the short end of the stick

You can heal yourself and go on and have a healthy happy relationship with someone else – he cannot. All of his relationships are bound to be short-lived and suffer the same fate. So be grateful that he’s someone else’s problem now. Phew.

Have you been involves with someone like this?

Finding Love Online

Is our first download on rebranding your profile online, in order to motivate men to notice you, date you, commit to you, and only you

Read more from Anatomy of a Hater series here:

5 Ways to Identify a Hater

4 Signs You are in a Selfish and Toxic Friendship

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Relationships: 5 Ways to Stop Dating Potential

Photo cred: @damnrottenkid How to STOP dating potential Not going to take too much of your time know you have a busy week ahead mama nonetheless this is a post worth checking out because if you’re an ambitious black female, maybe you’re aiming for a graduate degree or you’ve just been promoted at work; now your career is sorted you’re probably looking around wondering where all the good brothas … [Read More...]

Comments

  1. Their conduct should be criminalized. They steal so much more than any burglar or embezzler. They steal your very life, they steal your soul. I would have preferred being beaten to a bloody pulp within an inch of my life than being so victimized by falling in love with my ex. It’s been a year since my discovery of NPD and why the inexplicable cycle occurred several times over 10 years. I was that stupid. Thanks for this article and the video. Rings true.

    Anon

    • Thanks for your comment! So true. A narcisst will spend most of his time devaluing you. He is a predator, he feeds off of the emotions and kindness of those closest to him. He lies, manipulates and cons to get his way. He is disconnected from his emotions, feels a sense of entitlement and lacks the ability to feel remorse or guilt. Not forgetting his behavior will always be your fault. I’m sorry to hear about your tale, though I’m glad you are getting on with your life. Men and women can suffer from NPD.

  2. I had an ex-boyfriend like this and all of these symptoms of abuse. Please please leave someone like this. The video is excellent. Thanks Yvonne.

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