Relationships: 5 Ways Being Single Will Dramatically Improve Your Life!

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I’m going to strangle the next person who asks me, “Are you single??”

For the most part

Living a single girl’s life in the city is Fun, with a capital F, the freedom is great, not having to be accountable to anyone is even better. Many amusing memories have been created on a spontaneous girl’s night out. Nothing beats getting dolled up for yet another date, or the buzz of a carefree existence, without any constraints.

All the same, being single also carries an enormous stigma, (who else has felt this?). At times, our singledom is treated like a really bad smell or worse still, a virulent disease. People wince for a second when we drop the bombshell, that indeed “Yes I’m single” before inevitably asking, “But why?”. Without fail, all in sundry feel they have a duty to act this way; dates do it, friends do it, strangers do it, gosh animals would do it too if they could. No matter how mature we are, the status of ‘not in a relationship’ is discreetly frowned upon in society, leaving many people confused, pondering on what might be wrong with us.

Friends and family don’t help

If we even mention going on a date, our inner circle gently enquires, “Is he the one?” Parents give us unsolicited pep talks about “How nice it would be if we could make grandkids” and the pressure continues to mount, until it feels the whole world is in collusion to force us to settle down. Is that why so many folks get hitched to the nearest person after a certain age? In that case, how many of us are actually happy with our choices? Not many, if we look at the near 50% global divorce rate.

The popular age for women to marry is between 26 – 30 and slightly older for men. When we enter a long term relationship with a compatible guy prior to 25, he is likely to announce “He’s not ready”, by the time we approach 30, both men and women are guilty of grabbing anyone in sight to share their life with. I’m not saying this always happens, but it happens a lot. With half the population hastily settling down, the rest of us are automatically deemed undesirable – as if to say, we cannot be attractive if a man has overlooked the chance to rush us down the aisle.

Well I’m here to break the consensus to say, I’m single! Unashamedly so. And I’m proud of it. I love men, I’ve dated a bit too often (before this) I look after myself financially, emotionally and physically, I don’t have any nasty or peculiar habits (at least not that I’m aware of) but I simply refuse to settle for anything with a penis. Sorry to be crude but everyone has their why? Feel free to share yours in the comments.

I have mainly dated educated black men

In my experience, some of them did not value me nor my assets. They put a vast amount of energy towards belittling who I’ am, plus the qualities I bring to the table, behaving as if my personality ain’t all that. For a while, I used to believe, they were right, that it was me, that it was my fault. In hindsight, I see they were deeply insecure and it was their only way of gaining control. I thank my lucky stars for the narrow escape.

Sidenote: Most men can recognize a woman’s value, the problem is they’re threatened by it, this is precisely why, Michelle and Barack’s relationship is so special. Don’t you think?

Since the single life is portrayed in a negative light, and I’m qualified to speak on it (after being single since BCG began) I thought I’d put my thinking cap on to outline:

5 ways being single has dramatically improved my life!

1. Remaining single allowed me to create this blog. Being in a relationship is all consuming. When I decided to stop going out on the prowl, I had all the spare time in the world, to devote to planning, writing, building, this project without any distractions, or emotional baggage. Falling from one relationship into another is exciting, although healing from each encounter is emotionally draining, and in my case the healing time, would have subtracted from my ability to focus singularly on one task, which goes hand in hand with starting something new.

2. I have read more and expanded my mind to a whole new level during my commutes, and after work each day. There is no excuse to avoid the gym, reason being, I’m not on the phone texting, speaking or arranging to see my boyfriend.

3. I have gained clarity about my goals plus my identity like never before. Spending time alone has encouraged me to get to know myself and accept who I’am – flaws and all. Sounds cheesy, but prior to this, my default setting was to criticize myself, when things went wrong. The more I’ve come to appreciate myself, the less this happens. I have also prioritized and discovered, what I love, what makes me happy, what I want from life and in a man, and most importantly, what I DON’T want.

4. After compiling a list of non-negotiables and starting this venture, my dating life has taken a turn for the better, as my time is precious. Within a few hours, I can decipher whether a man is compatible or not, when he isn’t, I’m able to walk away without any regrets. Previously, I spent years casually dating men, on and off knowing instinctively they weren’t right but doing so because I had nothing better to do with my social life. While I enjoyed the attention, in hindsight, dating for the sake of it was a complete waste of time, that could have been usefully employed doing something fruitful.

5.  One of the nicest parts of being single is the freedom, to do what the heck I want. I have reconnected with my family and friends. In doing so, I learnt to recognize my genuine friends over the fake ones, which in turn, enabled me to quietly cut them off without any drama. I have traveled at leisure, attended festivals, concerts, and overall, embraced new experiences, meeting plenty of like-minded people along the way.

Human beings were born to love, interact, connect and reproduce. However being single is a gift with untold riches, which can only be harnessed when we make the decision to enjoy the moment, instead of searching for a partner. A man who wants to commit, will find us. All we have to do is be prepared and whole, when he appears.

Do you find being single difficult?

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Relationships: Should Black Women Date and Marry Down?

So just incase you missed it, some of our favorite black couples have split up in the past few weeks. Household names like Mary J Blige, who filed for divorce from her cheating husband and manager Kendu Isaacs, meanwhile Iyanla Vanzant quietly ended her 14 year relationship and more recently Queen of neo-soul, Jill Scott is embroiled in a public slanging match with her ex-husband of 15 … [Read More...]

Comments

  1. Namugga mariam says:

    Its abit difficult but wen u look at it,it gives alot of opportunities

  2. Finally someone who gets it!!!!! Why people jump in and out of relationships I can never understand! It’s as if they’re searching for happiness, without realizing that the freedom you have being single is a source of UNLIMITED happiness!

    • Jadesola Fakoya says:

      I know right?!? Why do we allow those around us to devalue us because of our lack of man/woman in life? Single women are awesome and living life like its golden to paraphrase Jill Scott

  3. and I thought I knew it all. :O this is classic

  4. Thanks for your feedback ladies! It’s so good to air this out! And to hear from women going through the same thing. Your advice is solid and spot on in my opinion.

  5. After crying, begging and praying for years not to be single, a married friend of mine gave me some good advice. She said, “your best days are your single days. Don’t waste them. You have all the time in the world to be married.” I didn’t get it then but I definitely get now. The unlimited freedom is priceless. I realized that I’m still in my “selfish” (or self-full) stage where life is about me and my world. My friend is still happily married and I’m still happily single.

  6. Simply a says:

    I’m not single but it’s nice to see a positive side of being single. Embrace it, there’s so much to gain and learn about yourself.

  7. I absolutely love this blog.

    Xoxoxo

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